When I got to the front of the self-checkout line I assumed there’d be a mirror but to my surprise and delight it was even better than I’d hoped

I’ll never forget when a guy standing in his front yard confronted me about looking into parked car windows mistaking me for a car thief

We’re not in control so we try to take control which leaves us feeling out of con… But it’s because anything can happ… that we can do anything

God: Do you trust me? Me: It’s not my fault!

Never get greedy Always cut your losses And remember that it’s better to be lucky than good and it’s bad luck to be so good th…

Nobody remembers how to forgive Because posting on social media Is an act of seeking approval

I’ve long since stopped working on myself but I work overtime on my curated self

Unlike Saul, when the scales fell from my eyes I learned I was a serpent, sheddi…

Somewhere between 27% and 53% of… none of which students can legally… is wasted Let’s split the difference and call it 40%

The One Ring had it backwards The one thing that bestows power is

Yes, everything good between a man and a wo– man involves friction

I know the world is round from experience: I ran from the truth for so long that I ran smack into it

When at last my colleagues convinced me to go out after work and I’d relaxed enough to drop my… everyone could finally see my helm…

I put out a comedy album Side A was called Wins Side B was called Losses Only one side was funny

The best way to prevent something from happenin… is to convince people that it already did