You need to follow the rules all t… so that you’re following the rules… At the same time, you need to know exactly when to break the rules But there can’t be a rule for brea…

The difference between God and ma… Is that man can’t abide A free Jew While God will abide With the Jews

I wasn’t shocked when scientists announced that a universe already infinitely… could still be expanding because I do have an ego

We are all problem children Our problem is Everything we do is done to get a… As if every action doesn’t come wi… An equal and opposite reaction

Step up to bat– It’s you against the world First base– Doubt yourself Second base–

Some people have baggage; I come with furniture Fortunately, my wife enjoys rearranging

Do me a favor and riddle me this: Is he favored to win Because he’s our favorite Or is he our favorite Because he’s favored to win?

In the new version of Heads I win, tails you lose People hate to be wrong But love to apologize And if you accept their apology

Before I met you the happiest I’d ever been was when everything I’d ever wante… was on lay-away because I didn’t have to make any…

No one loves a woman like her man and no one loves capitalism like its Marxists In each case

The easiest way to tell that climate change is a new religion is that it allows for plenty of missed deadlines

When I got to the cave at the top of the mountain and asked the hermit What is the meaning of life? she said

My favorite plot twists have always been quicksand and amnesia but I have this sinking feeling I’m forgetting something

Unsatisfied with natural consequen… human beings concocted perverse in… which is to say where once we were mere mortals now we are self-defeating

Physicists insist that time can flow both forward and backward So, I always insist on sitting in the backward facing seats of th… because I need to be able to see