I can never remember street names navigating strictly by landmarks taking left turns just past abandoned doughnut shops impugning me to keep my marriage

Ever since I got my first smartphone it feels like I’m visiting a museum and all the decent human beings

Waiting for a sign Is a sign of the times And while we were waiting God kept delivering the raw materi… One day at a time

In the official version of my life I love my life In real life I love life itself

You don’t really know someone until it becomes clear that you don’t really know them

I’m the kind of guy Who doesn’t ride a motorcycle But always wears a leather helmet

The heat of mutual disdain that always sustained us in person has cooled with depersonalized cam… that detain us via cursor

Friendly competition is heaven on… Culture war is hell on wheels Of time But now that our culture’s wheels… We’ll soon be out of time

My wife fixed me with a stare that said Really, what haven’t you done for…

I’ve done the math and the whole is only greater than the sum of its parts when the group is made up of individuals

In the latest version of Captain… Captain America’s archenemy is Captain Obvious for all the obvious reasons

I can’t guess your age but I can guess your age when you got that tattoo

Because it’s so hellacious transmuting lead into gold the people pleaser finds it heavenly to degrade gold into lead

Faith can only move mountains by ignoring mountains of evidence Like most people who’ve lost their… I’ve retained my ability to ignore mountains of evidence

If I said– The worst thing you can say about… is that he always plays it safe– then he sounds like a perfectly ni… But when I say–