I’ve never believed in being proac… so instead of expecting the unexpe… I got the surprise of my life but found it altogether unexceptio…
When I caught my wife cutting up… she said it was to prevent birds getting stuck in them like six-pac…
Thesis: I think it through to see it throu… Antithesis: I think it through to see through… Synthesis:
Many people think of life as a gift but to me it’s more like
Instead of the invisible hand bending self-interest towards the collective good we got the risible glad-hand laughing our selfishness off
The opposite of failure Isn’t success It’s epic failure
It took years of therapy but the octopus finally arrived at… that the reason she didn’t like th… was because they were so much alik…
Don’t talk to strangers; Sing with them
Where once man strove to move mountains now he settles for making them
Instead of shooting bullets into t… to celebrate I raise my leaf blower towards the… On blue moons I do this from my jet ski
Death and danger are our lot Look at what my kid can do is what’s been wrought
After years of therapy the stump came to see that there was an I, two even, in the giving tree
I have half a mind to lose my mind and half a mind to find God The question, natch
Sanity requires distance And social media is always Right at our fingertips
Pay attention to what is said: “One day we hope to enable every p… to feel as strong a sense of conne… as you feel when you’re physically with someone you love”
