The dream has always been To build a time machine And go back in time To change the present But some things never change–
People understand that their socia… depends on their phone but they wrongly believe that the existential question at h… is the familiar
It feels like I’m writ– ing an unauthorized au– tobiography
The smartest gal in the room Is the one who realizes All the adults in the room Are emotional children Behaving like holy terrors
If I could put Just one thing In a time capsule It would be A crystal ball
Because there is no I in lions, if a lion could talk, it couldn’t say I Which is to say, a lion can starve but never lacks,
In the digital age we let our fingers do the talking
It was when Socrates ate the frui… that he added this second line of… I know that my wife knows everythi…
The quartermaster is responsible f… and nothing more Some of you will be content to half-ass the rest of it Some of you will be willing to ris…
God: Do you trust me? Me: It’s not my fault!
The climate change deniers missed the boat on all the ocean front property in Arizon…
My curated self has asked me for a divorce
The Cookie Monster is just living up to the name Kermit gave him
You can tell that the far right Borg and the far left Borg are one Borg because Donald Trump
In granting us free will God took the greatest of risks God also made us in His image God risked it all on us Risking it all on Him
