I was the first ever lobster discovered in the wild with a rubber band around my claw clamping it shut
Whereas Mayor McCheese loved reading about himself in the newsp… ex-Mayor McCheese was served with divorce papers
God said satis– faction guaranteed; religion is all the fine print
Cartoonists always draw the lightb… pointing up so that no one will think it’s a n…
If you want to win friends and inf… Find out what they care about (This is easy) Ask them about it (This is significantly harder)
Nero fiddles while Rome burns? Fiddle-de-dee! Nero riddles but Rome never learn…
Seeing as no good deed goes unpuni… Everyone else turned the job offer… And went back to waiting on their… Only the Jews understood that In the real world
We used to wonder What will they think of next? Having lost our capacity for wonde… We insist Now they’ve thought of everything
In a post-pandemic bid to remain relevant the SATs have removed all true/false questions in acknowledgment that such questi…
Solitary confinement is cruel and unusual punishment which is why they lock the cell but if they put you in solitary confinement
The first thing you’re taught is t… you can make some of the people drink Coke all of the time and you can make all of the people drink Coke some of the time but
When I was standing in the shallow end I really believed I was all in only later coming to realize
The bad news is that liberal societies can only cohere in the face of external enemies The good news is that we will never lack for
Mid-life is when you realize you’re in a clown car The end of life is about accepting that of all the clowns
When at last Our time comes Just as we realize the need To give things time It will have come to pass
