Marriage is a safe harbor until the moment you harbor a grudge

Having heard that God is everywhe… and failing to see Him anywhere the unbeliever deduces that God is neither here nor there when, in fact, God is in the air

What looks like the wreckage of my life is just my crumple zone doing its job

Having priced myself Out of the market I’ve rebranded as generic

Our mistake is in believing That a lifetime of events Come varyingly in one of two forms… Blessing or curse When in truth

My matchmaker couldn’t find me any… but she suggested I go to the bing… and focus on the woman who played the most cards per game

When the devil told me “Fuck-up is a noun And so are you” I didn’t know if he meant I’m also a fuck-up

In the past Anyone on the far right or far lef… Could look all the way across the… And see their opposite On the far right or far left

I put out a comedy album Side A was called Wins Side B was called Losses Only one side was funny

“You want fries with that?” used to be a line to mock the working poor How ironic that “You want fries with that?”

The left was once really good at keeping capitalism in check but then they lost their identity and have been looking for one ever… oblivious that it’s long since

When you come in peace I fall to pieces And then collect myself For the gathering storm

The difference between Being asleep at the wheel And being asleep at the wheel Of a self-driving car Is that in the former

The only stipulation they put on our capitulation was against any abrogation in accepting their congratulations

Everyone looks out for their own f… This is normal But looking out for your own first by dehumanizing the other for looking out for their own firs…