You can’t break the chain of events but you can break the chain of custody for the chain of events

I was the first ever lobster discovered in the wild with a rubber band around my claw clamping it shut

It turns out that the afterlife is only as long as you can keep the exit interview go…

I’ve done the math: In regards to #1 #1a is sadly mistaken

Fox News said it was “Fair and B… which supposedly meant that it was… because it was balanced but really it meant that it was fa… because it wasn’t balanced–

Just because they’re coming to get you doesn’t mean you’re not paranoid

Life can seem meaningless But I’ve found that Meaning is never lifeless

I’ll give you the forest And I’ll take the trees You save the whales And I’ll keep the bees The sand in your eyes

There are two types of men: Those who lie to deceive and those who by lying tell you what they really believe There is one type of woman:

Questions are the an– swer to everything; now, how can I assist you

In a real life version of the ugly duckling discovering h… I was the reject popsicle stick who at long last found out I was a handy tongue depressor

Because I never learned anything… I learned the hard way that it’s the only way to learn anything at all

When the world is a tsar Insisting: Don’t you dare be who… Take it as a dare and risk the sca…

Updating Nietzsche with a nod to Vince Lombardi Art isn’t the proper task of life; it’s the only task of life if life…

Telling ourselves half-truths Is worse than telling ourselves li… Because Although the truth will set you fr… Just as you can’t be half pregnant