Haiku, por Chris Gaither

Before: “What a piece of junk!” After: “She’ll make .5 past lightspeed. She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid. I’ve made a lot of special modifications myself.”

Once abandoned You may as well approach life– Meaning God– With reckless abandon Because what have you got to lose

Jacob’s Ladder Is a Rope Ladder

You are a rope which The devil has tied up in knots Only God can help you Untie the knots When you unfurl

More Powerful Than You Can Possibly Imagine

There are only two real superpowers: unacknowledged plagiarism and begrudging cooperation

The World’s Shortest Epic Poem

The opposite of failure Isn’t success It’s epic failure

The Wicked Wish of the Left

A movement can only cohere around a shared wish and the left sticks together by collectively wishing that Jews deserve what they get

Haiku

The closest I ev– er came to forming Voltron was using Groupon

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Play It Again, Sam

Just as birds regurgitate to feed their young human beings have culture

Bad Things Happen to Good People and Good Things Happen to Bad People Because We Have Divided the World into Good and Bad People When, Instead, We Are All God’s People

One interpretation holds that the… And the Tree of Knowledge of Goo… Are one and the same tree Which makes sense to me Since when Adam and Eve decided t…

I’m Pleased to Welcome You to the Zombie Apocalypse

Life is a give and take And since he’ll never give any cri… Because he can’t take any criticis… A people pleaser is the walking de…

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“It is impossible to simultaneously maximize two different functions (e.g., reproduction and survival)”

We can all agree that life is the number one cause of death But no one wants to admit that death is the only cause of ne… Nevertheless, we love our children

If You Believe That Life Sucks and Then You Die, Then Your Phone Is a Pacifier

If you fear God Then you will turn your attention… At various times each day Coming to learn that the fear of… Is the fear of losing your connect…

Slow Down, We’re Running Out of Time

We’re running out of time Because we’re running So walk, don’t run For though we have no time to wast… Haste still makes waste

Lucky for Me, I’m a Natural at Self-censorship

I was the first ever lobster discovered in the wild with a rubber band around my claw clamping it shut

Audience Capture

A leader attracts a following The following attracts a crowd The crowd mobs the leader The leader forms a mob The mob goes mental

You’re No Jack Kennedy

John F. Kennedy’s hair was so lus… for the most part men never wore hats again At first we must have looked oddly like tub…

Chris Gaither

Haiku

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