If you’re locked out of your house you can die from exposure but if you’re locked in your house you can die from overexposure

The annoying thing about blenders Is how loud they are But then again My mouth functions as a blender And I’m a loudmouth

The only stipulation they put on our capitulation was against any abrogation in accepting their congratulations

My wife– All 5 feet of her– Busted me out of prison So that I could get back To a life of time

I put out a comedy album Side A was called Wins Side B was called Losses Only one side was funny

As the world closed in the Pollyanna sought safety in numbers only to find herself taking a number

The difference between sports and real life is that if Love played basketball against Empire, Hate, Violence and Death and won

The only way God can love us all the same amoun… Is by loving each of us infinitely And the only way God can love each of us differentl…

Until the company’s weekend retrea… I didn’t know that my leadership s… was like never having braces but still wearing a retainer

The best way to control somebody Is to divide the mind from the bod… Because the body is where the soul…

When we were kids we liked to spell Mississippi out loud for fun but we never pronounced the S’s–

To those who say they’ll keep working until they die I say don’t die–

Every strength comes with a weakne… So, when a recent headline said “Is Xi Jinping all-powerful or we… it demonstrated that our greatest… is the ability to ask a stupid que…

Tom Brady keeps a portrait of him… that is becoming progressively more likable

Like generals husbands are always preparing to f… while their wives are always prepa… to fight the last just war