Mid-life is when you realize you’re in a clown car The end of life is about accepting that of all the clowns

The devil used to be a buyer of so… But now he’s a seller To the Big Five tech companies Because the money is just too good How does the devil sell

When I started telling my employe… Apologies in advance! they still felt compelled by decor… No apologies needed which was how I ended exploitation

The original version’s working title was The Giveth and Taketh Away Tree but Silverstein couldn’t get it published

Hook-up apps have given intimacy all the allure of an oil change

We are connected therefore I think I am A nexus without a group

Some people have baggage; I come with furniture Fortunately, my wife enjoys rearranging

The only colleges left standing will be the ones that can make you look smart while you’re playing dumb

When I listen to the blues I can’t stop thinking of advice I’d give

When people say I live on my phone I wonder how they withstand the pr… Of eight tons per square inch

If you want a world that isn’t just a bunch of window dressing don’t have a world in which we’re all constantly being window…

It turns out they were right when they removed the self-destruc… explaining You won’t be needing this anymore now that you have autocorrect

In order to survive, the out-group must make a constant study of the in-gr… and adapt to its evolving aggressi… The latest lesson is that,

In my experience it’s not necessarily true that one plus one must equal two The sum is nearly always

At this late juncture All eating is competitive eating But in the world to come All competition will be An excuse for a feast