My wife and I have remained happi… because she recognizes me as capta… as long as I acknowledge her as air traffic control

You’ve always dressed to impress But it’s only since social media That you can use your appearance To exact compulsory service

A record sounds the same every time you play it A broken record is intolerable because it isn’t broken, it’s just…

The epic poem for this epoch will have to say the most with the least

When I picked candy apples as my… (think spirit animals for foodies) I honestly had no idea I was naturally sweet but laid it on way too thick

I like to think of The signs we are all seeing As God’s soft opening

All sense of control is an illusio… except for the control you feel in letting go of your need for contro… handing it over to God or to other people

Google Glass never took because smart phones are a prosthetic for the hands not the eyes

I fist met Cap’n Crunch back when he was 2nd Lieutenant C… He did this weird thing where he’d… in the powdered milk powder and sa… Stays crunchy even in milk!

The best part about Being a part of something great Is that I get to do my part

The universe is a kinetic watch so time only keeps going if we’re on the move making Zeno’s paradox of motion just a way of reassuring ourselves

When the whole world is a disaster area everyone becomes a comic relief worker

A fair competition Is one in which No one can win So that everyone Has an equal chance

You’ve met your femme fa– tale when you can’t stop wishful thinking about her

I survived my humiliation By treating it like a joke Through becoming a joke myself In order to in turn survive my bec… I became a running joke