The distant past– Strong enough for a man, pH balan… The recent past– Strong enough for a woman The present–

You could say I tried stand-up but for the audience it was more like when the flight attendant demonstrates how to put on your own oxygen mask…

Al Gore didn’t invent the internet He created a device for the reinforcement of irrational thoughts and behaviors

If you count the rings on a tree stump it will tell you the cost of doing business

All the advanced metrics say that A bird in the hand Is worth two in the bush But the burning bush advances the… That we are consumed by jealously…

I tried doing everything right Until I dug a hole Took a right turn at Albuquerque And realized There are no straight lines in my…

That wasn’t the sky Falling on your head That was the truth gone to ground By playing dead

In theory rule by consensus sounds more democratic but in practice it leads to hung juries

When we asked Jesus to explain the mechanics of the last being first He answered in yet another parable… It’s like when you’re playing tug…

In the world to come The United Nations will finally r… If you can’t beat ‘em Join ‘em

Denial was a lot easier when your head was in the clouds but your memories were stored on microfiche

As AI gets smarter and smarter we’ll grow cuter and cuter until like a pug who struggles to breath… we’re too cute for our own good

The makers of Fitbit Bring you the Pleasure Measure Because after you get your steps i… It’s time to get your fun done!

Death and danger are our lot Look at what my kid can do is what’s been wrought

My greatest fear is losing control but I’m not in control I have an eternal soul but I’m afraid to die I’m scared of making mistakes