I know I’m losing an argument with my friends when my thoughts turn to lunch I know I’m winning when I’m about to lose my lunch

I was the first ever lobster discovered in the wild with a rubber band around my claw clamping it shut

When they shut down Ringling Bros… a down on his luck clown looked into a second career as a m… but was informed that the mimes were only accepting applications f…

When I put a period at the end of my text message it means that

The kingdom of heaven is like a tr… where gentlemen may remove their h… while all others must

My wife wears her heart on her sle… Yet remains a total mystery– How can she be so sure? I’m sure I don’t know But sure enough

I was voluntold to make myself sca… But scarcely do they realize In pretending to give me a choice They have unwittingly given me an… Truth or dare?

It’s always darkest before the yawn

Many con artists have a moral awakening; even more realize that the only compassionate thing to do is continue the con

Climate change is just the latest chapter in our ever-ending story

Our civilization is a bureaucracy And a bureaucracy’s raison d’etre Is to replicate itself Replicate, of course Means to repeat through duplicatio…

If you pull my heartstring I’ll say one of eleven pre-recorded phrases but you can only hear the ones in the first four dimensions

They used to pay us A penny for our thoughts But then they realized We would pay them To think for us

It’s only once you realize There’s no such thing As your own success That you avoid becoming A victim of your own success

Before I met you the happiest I’d ever been was when everything I’d ever wante… was on lay-away because I didn’t have to make any…