At work They know me by my secret identity The mild-mannered Clark Kent But at home with my family I can relax and let them see the r…
They call it open heart surgery But no one says open brain surgery Because, by default Our minds are closed And the only way to change minds
When I picked candy apples as my… (think spirit animals for foodies) I honestly had no idea I was naturally sweet but laid it on way too thick
Jews have learned the hard way How to discern when someone has Failed to earn their F for failin… The tell is whenever a Jew just Living a life
I am not who I think I am I am not who you think I am And I am not even who I think you… I am who I-Am-Who-I-Am thinks I…
Ours was the first all you can eat… to earn a coveted Michelin star and I always thought it was becaus… when you ordered the whole enchila… it came with bottomless fries
Having priced myself Out of the market I’ve rebranded as generic
I know the world is round from experience: I ran from the truth for so long that I ran smack into it
The second hardest thing in life Is facing the facts The hardest thing in life Is knowingly ignoring the facts So, people do the easy thing and i…
When an American marries into a brood of Scots it’s a matter of when and not if we overdo it with the family tarta…
Believing that one can use social media for good is like thinking one can live in the Matrix without fueling the Machines
Paper comes from trees but when money was made of paper we all agreed that money doesn’t grow on trees
Heads I bite my tongue Tails You cut it off
According to experts There are only seven basic plots Limited to the believable There are no experts on the truth Because the truth
Everything on the internet is too… To call Leaving everything undecided But for this– We should all be worried
