To whom it may concern: Time travel is impossible

When the shit hits the fan at least I know I won’t be wearing flip-flops

The most common rookie mistake is thinking that because you know what you were saved from that you also know what you were saved for

For years I sojourned as a humble… Hanging all my hopes On one day emerging as a brilliant… For my moment in the sun Inching ever forward towards the s…

Ours was the first all you can eat… to earn a coveted Michelin star and I always thought it was becaus… when you ordered the whole enchila… it came with bottomless fries

My life used to be An open book Now it’s an open state secret

In families adept at keeping open secrets no one expects you to state the obvious

It takes guts to admit you don’t belong but it’s easy to read a sign that says No admission

You can cash in on your talent You can cash in on your good looks You can cash in on your hard work You can cash in on your good luck You can even cash in on all four

Almost every student prefers and l… But will almost always take the vi… Because those classes are always e…

When I got to the front of the self-checkout line I assumed there’d be a mirror but to my surprise and delight it was even better than I’d hoped

We had a perfect plan for putting the genie back in the bottle but to get the genie out we had shattered the bottle

It always comes down to what is most important to you and what is most important to you is not knowing what is most import…

The screen you’re looking at seven hours a day is actually a magnifying glass

You’ll know whether you’re there to make things better or to make yourself feel better by how you react when you’re told you can do better