If a tree falls in the forest and your husband is there does it make a sound

My wife and I have remained happi… because she recognizes me as capta… as long as I acknowledge her as air traffic control

Peanut butter’s not very good by itself but chocolate is Because I’m not very religious it’s important for me

The difference between a materiali… Is that a materialist finds it rat… That dark matter and energy must b… Because it makes their calculation… But fears they’ll never find it

It used to be that everybody had t… But now everybody has the same kin… Which means nobody has any kinks Leaving us all with the emptiness Of giving and receiving pain

The ill-informed Regret to inform you That knowledge is dour But groupthink is power

As ever There is the easy way And the hard way The hard way Is being condemned to a freedom

To avoid road rage all rearview mirrors have been replaced by screens displaying a real-time computerize… of the way things ought to be

I was waiting for my ship to come… But maybe I should have made like… And built a ship Especially since my neuroses all c… You’ve probably heard of them–

Like the distended sleeve On the fake Gordon Gartrell Denise made for Theo A giraffe’s long neck Reveals it as

If your phalanges cause you to philander pluck off the ring

Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s all big stuff.

You could say I tried stand-up but for the audience it was more like when the flight attendant demonstrates how to put on your own oxygen mask…

You can’t watch sports these days… Father Time is undefeated Which is when I always quote Saul… “Vait a minute. Vat about Rocky…

Going home had come to feel like dining in a restaurant where the food is celebrated but the customers merely tolerated