Whereas Mayor McCheese loved reading about himself in the newsp… ex-Mayor McCheese was served with divorce papers

God: Do you trust me? Me: It’s not my fault!

In the world to come The United Nations will finally r… If you can’t beat ‘em Join ‘em

If you need to be in control Your life becomes a reaction Because human beings can have all… Just as long as It’s damage control

When I listen to the blues I can’t stop thinking of advice I’d give

It’s all over but for the shouting and this is the shouting

The quartermaster is responsible f… and nothing more Some of you will be content to half-ass the rest of it Some of you will be willing to ris…

Question: Absent the fear of God What does materialism do To reign in the aggressive instinc… Answer:

My wife fixed me with a stare that said Really, what haven’t you done for…

We’ve gone from treating people as a means to an end to using them as props for pretend

I put out a comedy album Side A was called Wins Side B was called Losses Only one side was funny

When we poll people about what the weather in heaven is like the most popular answer perhaps not surprisingly is like a cold day in hell

A being becomes human when you add meaning

The day I found out I was as deep as a basket of botto… was the same day I learned that the problem with fishing for compl… is that you can’t throw them back

Let’s call the before times “The… It’s not what you know It’s who you know But after the social media It’s not who you know