Actually marr– iage is like riding a tan– dem unicycle

Some people say They were born too late; I was almost born too soon But then along came the internet Just in time to stop time–

If your phalanges cause you to philander pluck off the ring

Most tautologies are self-fulfilling prophecies For example: Most people are average But God never met

Is being a conformist without a cause enough to qualify me as an antihero

The first and most important task when you’re joining a non-hierarch… is finding out who’s really in charge The first and most important task

My children have no idea they are living through a golden age of comedy

I’m not afraid of being alone and I’m not afraid of dying but I am afraid of dying alone

Our lightweight cat litter develop… hit a speed bump when we realized it was worth its weight in gold

Writing history is hard especially when it’s about the past

In hopes of finally nailing down All the right answers We converted English into math Filtering language through ones an… Making all stories into word probl…

I am not who I think I am I am not who you think I am And I am not even who I think you… I am who I-Am-Who-I-Am thinks I…

Instead of the invisible hand bending self-interest towards the collective good we got the risible glad-hand laughing our selfishness off

When we asked Jesus to explain the mechanics of the last being first He answered in yet another parable… It’s like when you’re playing tug…

A people pleaser pretends to live in Youtopia but really resides in Myopia because all he can see is what he needs from you