I often find myself telling God That according to the terms of the… You get what you need God insists I come to terms with the implicati…

I had just started explaining smar… When the alien stopped me in mid-s… And explained smart phones to me Originally, in order to monitor an… They were just going to attach

The crucial moment in my elevator pitch comes when I hit the emergency stop button

Guilt is intolerable which is why “I can explain everything” is processed into “I have a theory which explains ev…

I don’t get mad I get odd

In the world to come The United Nations will finally r… If you can’t beat ‘em Join ‘em

I’ve long since stopped working on myself but I work overtime on my curated self

Would that my morning toilet were a ritual and not just the muscle memory of a muscle memory

When I said That’s none of your business they replied Actually, that’s our entire busine…

The opposite of bad breath Isn’t good breath It’s fresh breath Because all breath is good So, you never have to hold your br…

Forecasting the rain in Spain is mainly done in vain

Having heard that God is everywhe… and failing to see Him anywhere the unbeliever deduces that God is neither here nor there when, in fact, God is in the air

The rise in sales of cruelty-free products exactly tracks the increased rate at which its consumers visit cruelty upon

Life is a talent show where most everyone is doing bad versions of easy impressions

I went to bed after a gabfest and had a bad dream that I woke up on, nay in, silent retreat