The easiest way to tell that climate change is a new religion is that it allows for plenty of missed deadlines

It was always true that if you tried to save the relationship by looking the other way eventually they’d want to be

I thought I could keep the family… until I realized I was the family… So, all the time I was afraid of… the family’s dirty laundry I was already wearing

My children have no idea they are living through a golden age of comedy

Liberalism can be confused with ni… where you have to believe in nothi… or with Unitarian Universalism where you’re encouraged to believe… as much of everything as you like

Our mistake is in believing That a lifetime of events Come varyingly in one of two forms… Blessing or curse When in truth

The dictatorship of the professori… uses neologisms to prevent counter elocution and to speed the transition to authentic sophism and the

Some people are orchids Some people are dandelions Some people like the ugly duckling are orchids who think they’re dand…

Paper comes from trees but when money was made of paper we all agreed that money doesn’t grow on trees

Yes, humans suck– that’s a universal The reason we haven’t been able to fix it is that being a human doesn’t suck for eve…

What do you call it when people are so bored that they start playing with fire and soon enough find themselves fighting fire with fire

We went from wearing galoshes over… to wearing galoshes over our shoes… to wearing galoshes as shoes and now we wear galoshes over galo…

Human beings evolved to avoid face-to-face conflict which was why until very recently everybody was talking behind each…

Originally it was about Michael Bike and called Bike Rider

The only colleges left standing will be the ones that can make you look smart while you’re playing dumb