Some people have baggage; I come with furniture Fortunately, my wife enjoys rearranging

If things feel prearranged it’s because you’ve already rearranged

Life is a test but I’d been treating it like a quiz– which is a preparation for a test– under the assumption that when I d…

It could be the truth if it couldn’t go viral But it’s definitely pravda if it speeds our downward spiral

I bought a Toyota because it’s bulletproof to compensate for the fact that I’m not even rubber bulletproof

Faced with a forced choice The agnostic feigns ignorance For if you ask a woman to marry yo… And she says I don’t know

The New Revised Standard Version… A frenemy of yours is a frenemy of… whereas the New King James Versi… The frenemy of my frenemy is my fr…

Actually, we all died in the pande… Life– I can’t afford not to Pandemic life– I can’t afford to… The afterlife– I can’t afford not…

The internet can be understood as… And the more time we spend on the… The weaker our boundaries become Until we see no boundary between r… Because we no longer recognize bou…

The devil used to be a buyer of so… But now he’s a seller To the Big Five tech companies Because the money is just too good How does the devil sell

It’s said you become what you hate; I hate losing things

When we say something is infinite Say, the universe What we really mean Is that it is unfinished

God isn’t dead which is another way of saying God isn’t unemployed and still has the same job just with a new job description

I believe in the great man theory of history because the good man theory of history is so obviously false

I’m sad to say I’ve never been happier And I’m happy to say I’ve never been sadder All of which is to say