The only colleges left standing will be the ones that can make you look smart while you’re playing dumb

I still believe that anything is possible It’s just that now nothing would surprise me

My handwriting analyst said my electronic signature indicates a Type A personality and that’s all she sees anymore I said

Heads I bite my tongue Tails You cut it off

Told to shut my mouth I took them literally Zipped my lips And held my breath Until I could stomach it no longe…

The easiest way to tell that climate change is a new religion is that it allows for plenty of missed deadlines

Knowing is half the battle but it’s always been left unsaid t… the other half is feeling We can now definitively say that you’ll know the battle’s been…

Time flies when you’re having fun And the key to fun is wanting Not having

She went to law school; I bet it all on brick ov– en pita and lost

Just because they’re coming to get you doesn’t mean you’re not paranoid

Because, per Morrissey “We hate it when our friends becom… we got rid of success by eliminating all competition except for the number of friends

We’ve got enough to go on That there’s enough for everybody So long as we are tough enough But we couldn’t leave well enough… And soon enough

I thought the Protestant work eth… I saw all the lazy rivers in peopl… until I noticed they were each swi… against the current

The dream has always been To build a time machine And go back in time To change the present But some things never change–

The left was once really good at keeping capitalism in check but then they lost their identity and have been looking for one ever… oblivious that it’s long since