Some people say They were born too late; I was almost born too soon But then along came the internet Just in time to stop time–

We guard the thin line between love and hate by loving more But we cross the thin line between self-love and self-hate

My wife is philosophically opposed to my habit of justifying things, say a bag of the really good kind… with the phrase: I deserve it

People are the opposite of baked potatoes– If you keep poking holes in their theories they will explode

When they start to call you clear-eyed it just means you’re a cynic whose time has come

It’s always darkest before the yawn

They used to give me Birthday presents Now they give me A wide berth

Where once I feared death Now I fear that Death will be anticlimactic

I always thought saying slide trombone was like saying pizza pie until I heard about the valve trombone

The makers of Fitbit Bring you the Pleasure Measure Because after you get your steps i… It’s time to get your fun done!

Rock and roll will never die because OK Computer replaced the world with itself

We’re all like unharvested potatoe… covered in dirt thinking that means we’ve got the dirt on each other

The truth staring us in the face Is always our own reflection– Seeing ourselves backwards Providing just enough distance For us to acknowledge the truth

The crucial ingredient for random mutation to drive evolution is a surplus of time But nothing

As the boat overfilled with refuge… was turned away from the harbor each of the onshore demographic gr… had their own routinized, ruthless… but surrounded by my own