I have two dogs Which means I’m in double trouble I have three daughters Which means

No one ever told the truth but not a one of us were liars because we always spoke exclusivel… in the future tense

In my experience it’s not necessarily true that one plus one must equal two The sum is nearly always

When the devil told me “Fuck-up is a noun And so are you” I didn’t know if he meant I’m also a fuck-up

100% of success is showing up on time

It’s all over but for the shouting and this is the shouting

People think that their report car… will be graded Pass/Fail but since God has a mysterious rep… He gives two grades in every subje… You get an A for effort

I can never remember street names navigating strictly by landmarks taking left turns just past abandoned doughnut shops impugning me to keep my marriage

Fox News said it was “Fair and B… which supposedly meant that it was… because it was balanced but really it meant that it was fa… because it wasn’t balanced–

Guilt is intolerable which is why “I can explain everything” is processed into “I have a theory which explains ev…

Actual justice consists of hearing both sides of the story in order to decide which side is in the right meaning that justice

If you want to predict the future determine what is most taken for g… and imagine a world without it I predict a future where words will be replaced

The left used to believe that the people have the power but once the Jewish people had the power to form the state of Israel

Setting aside crimes of passion, when people commit crimes it’s eit… they think they can get away with… or because they want to get caught Either way, they’re guilty;

The only way to avoid giving the man who has everything more of the same is to give him nothing