Mid-life is when you realize you’re in a clown car The end of life is about accepting that of all the clowns
They say if you expect disappointment then you will never be disappointed But I say
Some people have baggage; I come with furniture Fortunately, my wife enjoys rearranging
When I got to the front of the self-checkout line I assumed there’d be a mirror but to my surprise and delight it was even better than I’d hoped
On the Mt. Rushmore of cartoon mice I would put four Jerrys
The quartermaster is responsible f… and nothing more Some of you will be content to half-ass the rest of it Some of you will be willing to ris…
People don’t like surprises so I tell them they’re in for a real surprise which gives them something to look…
The culture war is a cyber war where you can’t tell that you’re behind enemy lines until you’re compelled to read your lines
Higher education purports to prepare you for life when really it exists to indebt you for life, expanding campus ideology
Insanity is thinking you can ever get what you want and devoting your life to getting it
Everyone thinks Vladimir and Estr… stay together because they’re both waiting for Godot when really it’s their mutual disdain for Wile E. Coyote
If you want to remain married one partner should stay busy moving the goalposts while the other focuses on running out the clock
People complain that religion tell… missing the point that it enables… other people telling you what to d…
When I was a kid the rule was one kid got to pour two glasses of Coke and the other kid
My wife wears her heart on her sle… Yet remains a total mystery– How can she be so sure? I’m sure I don’t know But sure enough
