The only way to survive being abandoned is to love with abandon

The only way to know you’re not paranoid is to stay connected at all times so you can rest assured

When I got to the cave at the top of the mountain and asked the hermit What is the meaning of life? she said

The funny thing is if you’re continually nervous about getting into a wreck you become a nervous wreck and then

We got the five day work week because that’s how long it takes a python to digest it’s meal

Marriage is the only place I’m neither feature nor bug but both

If you pull my heartstring I’ll say one of eleven pre-recorded phrases but you can only hear the ones in the first four dimensions

My psychic told me I needed to ta… I said I already knew that I came here to look before I leap

It was easier to live the lie I w… Than to face the truth we all knew But eventually The truth blew up in my face And now it’s written all over my f…

Asked to account for his success w… he explained that he drives his ca… like he won it on The Price Is R…

If you count the rings on a tree stump it will tell you the cost of doing business

My matchmaker couldn’t find me any… but she suggested I go to the bing… and focus on the woman who played the most cards per game

I was an idea man with one good idea and I have no idea why they stole my idea of a good t… when they could just have it

Life is a game of Truth or Dare in which you never lose if you choose dare and where you never win if you choose truth

I’m still the kind of person who is shocked that you can run out of gas and run out of luck at the exact same time