When I was young we always said If you’re gonna be a bear be a grizzly bear! But now everyone’s become

When people say I live on my phone I wonder how they withstand the pr… Of eight tons per square inch

The world is a cast of characters Social media is a caste of caricatures

Frequently, God’s light is like sun glare, telling me to slow the heck down

My matchmaker couldn’t find me any… but she suggested I go to the bing… and focus on the woman who played the most cards per game

I knew Remain was in trouble when they announced that a vote fo… was also a vote in favor of renami… Brexit McBrexitface

You’re not allowed to copy from your neighbor because you’re supposed to copy from your teacher

Imagine the disappointment when we… both wearing Velcro singlets but each fashioned from the softer… with nary a hook between us

Life = Trial by fire Death = Trial by firing squad

Growing up was hard enough when we just had cliques not today’s clicks upon cliques

They used to give me Birthday presents Now they give me A wide berth

If you pull my heartstring I’ll say one of eleven pre-recorded phrases but you can only hear the ones in the first four dimensions

They couldn’t have been more obvio… in their preparations for the surp… trusting that I was the type loathe to ruin my own surprise

Never trust anyone who doesn’t believe in hell They’re almost always the ones whose idea of heaven is usurping God

It’s the odd couple that isn’t always trying to even the score