I used to pretend that Kafka’s The Trial was my favorite book but these days I bring a courtroom stenographer with me

To break up with your significant other just say I need space To break it off

The one thing postmodernists know… is that the surest way to control… is to convince people there are no… prompting an endless chain of seco… while provoking so much anxiety

My life used to be An open book Now it’s an open state secret

God gave us creation and said Help yourself and so, we plundered it realizing too late that the only way

When I said That’s none of your business they replied Actually, that’s our entire busine…

Our surveillance state is uniquely American in that it is of the people by the people and for the people

You know you must die and yet you must live You can never know if you’re right and yet you must choose So it’s not

When you have to be rich just to be middle class what do you have to do to be rich? That’s what they call a good quest… And since you have no choice

The first half of life: If it ain’t broke Don’t fix it The second half of life: If you can’t fix it

Whistler’s mother had just spent a long day with Whis– tler’s mother-in-law

The soul is an appendix made of wo… and while plenty of people function perfectly well without on… much like the physical appendix– which stores good bacteria

When men attempted to usurp God’s… By building the Tower of Babel God dispersed men among parallel l… Paradoxically rendering universe p… While, as ever, remaining one

The day I found out I was as deep as a basket of botto… was the same day I learned that the problem with fishing for compl… is that you can’t throw them back

Cartoonists always draw the lightb… pointing up so that no one will think it’s a n…