When I got to the front of the self-checkout line I assumed there’d be a mirror but to my surprise and delight it was even better than I’d hoped

In 2019 KLM Airlines began advertising that you should take the train instead; it felt like being asked to open up the marriage

In communist Russia no one wanted to be seen to be the first person to stop clapping for Stalin In America today

Physicists insist that time can flow both forward and backward So, I always insist on sitting in the backward facing seats of th… because I need to be able to see

We are all of us unreliable narrators Some of us just make a living at it

I can’t guess your age but I can guess your age when you got that tattoo

You wanted them all to yourself because they didn’t want anything to do with you and this is the sound of

I always thought saying slide trombone was like saying pizza pie until I heard about the valve trombone

If you want to win friends and inf… Find out what they care about (This is easy) Ask them about it (This is significantly harder)

Peace is not the goal It is the byproduct of the goal The goal is obvious Which is why we can’t see it

The high strung flaneur gives free advice to the good and good advice to the free

I put out a comedy album Side A was called Wins Side B was called Losses Only one side was funny

I like positive reinforcement As much as the next guy And the next guy Gets a lot of likes So, it’s back to the grindstone

You’ll know you’ve weathered their gaslighting if you feel dazed but not confused

Like Ikea fur– niture, I am difficult to put together