The Back Room
Silent times. In late hours. Sometimes you remember.
I sense the depth of night around me
My light still on
And it’s early morning
Tell me why
I still see a time not mine
It’s just the last bit of a time that made more sense
But it wasn’t you
It wasn’t me senseless
It was the time
What was it?
The scent new
The test
The sun
It was night
My sleep brought me nothing
Lately I’ve dreamed not
I forgot to turn out the light
Perhaps it’s why my dreams last night
Went a distance
I said it didn’t I?
I said goodbye
So why don’t you go.
I let go didn’t I?
Why does skin not my own still creep its way in
Why do I smell what pulls me back then
I know you saw scent laid
Maybe not then but later
I was returning the favor.
Giving you back what I just have no ability to keep anymore
I turn out the light
I watch the window
Rays of the moon drip inside
When it’s dark
The moon has a knack
For taking me in the back
Room in my mind
Sometimes I let it
And I never know what I’ll find
This time maybe this time
I’ll hear what knew was aligned
But unkind
I’d do it again.
Knowing all of it
I shouldn’t pretend that I didn’t know then
I told you what was true
Cold hard truth
Not a fairy tale
I hear you
Monster or fool
Man or tool
You’re always right here
You don’t scare me
You don’t worry me.
Part of me
Its not a choice is it?
Not one I ever made
Why would so many rules be broken in the first place
It wasn’t the kind of love you find in movies
No it’s the kind you base them on
Why did you have to have control
That just shows me no
I’ll leave you to your many.
But I don’t hear those thoughts
I’m not of many
You forget.
It isn’t that way.
I’m simply there
I’m simply here
In the back room of your mind
A door to the back room of mine
Hidden behind a curtain in yours
Tell me I don’t speak true.
You only pretend you hear it not
That’s ok because it’s not something let go or caught
It just is what it is
But that don’t quite cover what it’s taught
Somewhere between chemistry and apocalypse I wrote some of this
Space song and then I walked into the bossa novian
Why did this list start in the middle of the night on the table night stand
Isn’t there another band?
It scares me what I would’ve been
We made no plans as we were already in our own
But it’s fascinating what I’d have changed and what I’d have done
I didn’t have to give any thing
It just came naturally.
So it made me think actually
You could never accomplish any of your schemes
But it didn’t matter you were redeemed
Why?
Because you are I.
And I had already forgiven them.
And all to be done.
It’s already done
The back room
I can lay here
It doesn’t care
Whether it’s fair
Right
Whether you know what I know
Wether you know I did fight
More than you know
That I set you alight
In a way no one else had
Tell the truth to them now
Tell them how it was all a scam
Yes you can say that to save face
I’ll say it to keep grace
Say it together to pretend there isn’t an empty space
That can’t be filled by anyone else
I bet we have tried
I’ll not say it aloud
But you’ll just lie
And say I don’t cross your mind
The same as
I can hear me walking through the door of my back room and into yours
And I can look right at you.
Secrets and hidden eyes
I wear a disguise
It’s myself but the one you thought
only thought was for boredom
No im nothing like the dead
And you’ll live in my head
Sometimes we speak silently through
Homemade telephone wire
Try to ignore
It just gets louder
I dreamed last night
We slept on the coastline
Odd
I don’t always see you
And when I do it ain’t too pleasant
But here you were
We spoke words I for once couldn’t hear
Lips moving silently
Wonder what we talked about
All of it has been just to messy with you
You get a reaction
I get a reaction
What’s funny is you think I don’t because you speak not
Oh I do
Do you live m
I don’t know
It’s behind the blue
Going black
Your holding onto energy you’ve no plan on using
Why?
So continue to fade from my rooms
Cut it as you don’t wanna speak
So let it go
When I try. I attempt only to realize
It’s made me think of you less
Lesser and lesser still
But the back room is always there
Only now it’s not in the back
But down a stair
Beneath a basement
You’ll find memories there
Of a time
I don’t remember anymore.
They were already there before I remembered them
And back to this place they will go
You remember Christmas last year
I bet you do.
And the one before
New year too
Wasn’t even near you
But I know.
I should be through
But the back room beneath the basement was there before you built by me and you
Separately
Somehow
I wish I knew how
Yet It’ll stay there
As it still would anyhow
But I bought a bucket and nails today
And each nail hit
A board upon a door
I’ll feel it no doubt into my core
But why?
The reasoning
Why?
Why?
Why doesn’t it go away
Not the last. but the now
Memories linger
But of course Memories are meant too
I got a million more doin the same that ain’t you.
But in the now.
Why. Is it still getting through?
The need to undo or do?
Destroy or make anew?
Forget or bring into the blue
All fade with you
But keeps coming up clear?
Who do I even remember
When I knew you I didn’t even care
Why then?
Why now?
What is this?
Nonsense.
How can a catalyst be something you saw all your life
Absurdity.
Go now.
Let go.
What is this still in my existence
The need. that something is off, and it’s not the lies that I already knew
It’s not unfinished things
It’s not the cruel things
That I can take
So much more than any fool brings.
It’s not some absurd ideals of your own greatness.
Because I know they are born from your own pain.
Why do I know you so well somehow
Don’t try to say it’s what you allowed.
It takes two to feel that first understanding.
A tunnel seen through
But oh here’s a reaction
Find your traction
I’m the nightmare of someone like you
I can be not broken by and still care about you
Must really sting, must really run you through.
I say this with a smile
You always thought me speaking angry or wanted me to think that you thought that
Oh what two people always thinking more than feeling
Can do instead of healing
Chaos laid flat
I can know you to the back room of you
And still just smirk at what you think youre capable of
I guess that’s why I ended up calling it love
Takes two to feel that or the other wouldn’t.
With a split second of sun dawning
It’s why you can’t lie that you lied
Don’t you remember where it all began.
Neither can I.
Im sure I was just being the same ignorant fool
I had been..yet, maybe, set to a boil
A point to prove
I fear the most
The idea that we are the same
We were playing the same damn game
And still are yet I’m ashamed
I think we both are
We just call it different names
Family to family you go
I’m not good with my part
Worse that I’m not careless with my heart
I may have forgot to tell you
But in the end i never got it’s name
I told you when opening the book it was to end in flames
Kills me you didn’t get the point then
That I couldn’t be made to believe what wasn’t true
We seemed to speak ourselves when we would grin
But we didn’t have to share sin
Of action or substance
It was much more
It kills you I know
That you would know exactly what I mean
And that is a lot
No, it wasn’t what anyone had thought
I didn’t have to do anything with you but sit in thought
Yes I think I would I’d do it again
Knowing.
Why? Because I truly saw you first as a friend.
I know this now.
because now I’m different
You changed me.
You truly did.
Even with all you did
Don’t you realize I thank you?
You didn’t know such actions
Would birth good in the end.
And look at yourself
Tell me where would you have been?
Either good or bad out by
the end
I doubt we stop looking back
Again and again
You won’t admit and I’ll write it and keep it hid
As hid as someone like me can
It’s why I pop off the lid
Of my life
As what’s the point in trying to keep a secret?
I like it now.
I love the calm waters of exposure.
I can keep composure
But now this whole page has become too personal
So who will reminisce
Who will relate?
That’s thing with you and I?
I feel why it was great
It’s so pointed, so unlike another, not even together.
The time itself.
The chapter.
It’s colorful then black. Unique.
The world in spring then winters bleak
All the horrid and beautiful
Incapsulated in a tiny time span
We left on each-other a tiny brand
We did almost get a tattoo.
All bad? Absolutely not
Just a by product
I invited it in
But you still know where I’ve been.
We both knew there was a curse therein
But it was wrapped with the antidote to a poison
Don’t you know I did the same?
It’s easy to say how different I am.
I’m Nothing like that
That being you
And here you were believing you were better than that
That being me.
Were we really so foolish.
Magnets of the very same materials
Made in the earth of the same science
Yet turned by others to face the other way so when we tried to come together
fatefully we forced ourselves apart violently.
Yes just like that
That’s the imagery I’d use
The metaphor for the excuse
It don’t matter if you were told to be in my life
It don’t matter if I was looking to drown strife
Relax.
That word.
It don’t matter if you were told to leave and you were excited to show me
As some threat or retaliation
For something I hadn’t done
And you ask why I’ve the same done?
Or something misunderstood
Both of us annoyed
But I loved you anyway just like I said
Signed
Forgiven
Bled
It’s still hanging in that room in my head
Unframed, in flames but
Besides the words of all unsaid
It stays in flames because I tried burning it down but that just made it easier felt and easier found.
I realized long ago to this I am bound.
That I’ll just live life with this room in my mind underground
All of it? You’re joking all life?
Well We were both ok with burying a knife
Then pretending it didn’t hurt
Only you did much more than I
I knew immediately to stop when I truly saw you eye to eye
You didn’t stop at the knife
You had an armory in there
So whenever you angered you got a new way ml
To try to destroy, make what hurt? Surely pay.
Then that became a list
Even a box of
Toy soldiers to the cause
Did none of them see?
It was asked all because
You were hurt by what I never even knew
Made assumptions of something untrue.
Actions totally misunderstood and facts something
You have a chest by the door
I know what you keep there youd be surprised
A few lists, trial and error for
I’m no different only it’s not the same as yours
you’d know what I kept under the floor
But A fake smile never kept me from seeing through lies
Yes I’m quite full of tries
You need no spies
No one to run say a word
So you can go yea right delusional.
Oh I know who sees
I’ve fun of my own
Time doesn’t soften me
To methe twist of a knife
You don’t need help
To tell you what all goes on in my life
Just close your eyes
You’ll know
Don’t believe me
You know before you’ve tried
What am I saying?
You believe me try
You don’t see or hear nor assume you
Even under the high
The Hate me or love me
Hate you love í
Easier that way.
Easier said than done.
Well here are many words
How’s that for a reaction
Or validation for the ego
I thank you for the musings
Ill have to move on though
You’ve lasted and this room won’t disappear
You’ll always have a place I didn’t want right here
The same as I know you’ve a door in yours
They connect but it’s in the mind
Not like some may assume
Even you tried to
No even if all we are is physicality and doom
Hard to believe, hard to assume
When behind every action you tried to blacken still purity loomed.
And now I’ve tried.
So why haven’t you?
You think you need words for me to assume?
No I just sense and know
The same as you though
Still holding on to the essence
You plan not to assist
Let go of things you care not if it dies
Or what is your point?
And I heard supernatural
Well isn’t that something after all
Still
I tried
This door board did not silence
I wonder if one more thing could do the trick?
Next with mortared brick
Covered. Painted red.
Lay over you.
Brick by brick.
—C.R.Stanger 2024
Something written listening to music. Mostly cigarettes after s and beachhouse.
I just let my mind start writing so things get so long... I’ve start trying to find the musicality or cohesive thought in the lyrical run on words I get goin in. I actually think in rhyme almost.. so when I get goin I don’t stop. So now to find the poem in the run on. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like the run on too. This I just have running on and on... I know it’s always so much .. but to me it’s like 10 minutes my brain sounds like this it’s really weird. It’s why I write when I feel emotion . Anger, joy, sorrow, love, intense platonic, overwhelming romantic, emotionality and I’m rarely realist or logical In the run on,. They are the ones that teeter and edge or .. almost falling off into nonsensical sometimes and maybe manic or over stimulated in over exaggerated emotion and fantasy. They can’t be judged the same as my more analytical and thought out stuff.. the difference is obvious.. these explore my thoughts and desires and feelings and understanding and wishes or things I despise.. just pure emotion. So very fleeting and in the moment . And normally I won’t return to them even if I say I will. I normally grow to like them like they are. Encapsulated in a single time I felt this .. some of its fiction and some not.. some of the things are real and some is over done.. some wrap around and dive into one thing and others have a bit of a rambling conversation to myself subject of many and they are fleeting. Like a wake up and not so intense as it was.. it’s what my run ons are for... it’s definitely truly felt in some senses and others its silly and overwhelming but it really is long for this reason. It’s more personally based.. ego based. Not thought out .. raw and therapeutic .. while the other ones are thought through and meant to be related to by masses the others are done for
Me and meant for me to relate to.. others may but this is why they differ.. some are both together.. just depends.
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