Awake at Midnight
For Charlotte
One of my greatest fears, but one that I have come to accept, is that my daughter will one day grow to hate me. I have a friend who is much older than myself, whose children left him behind because of a reality that was fabricated by their mother. My daughter's mother lives in a reality that she herself created; why would she not invite her daughter, the only identity she has?
I live in constant semi-secret misery. I feel guilty that I did not fight harder to save my daughter from her mother gaining custody of her, where she will undoubtedly become as corrupted as her mother. I was not able to save my little girl from a lifetime of psychological pain that surely will arise. I find myself waking up and looking down at her sleeping little form and whispering an apology for something I had no control over. I had no money, I had no education in law, I had no help and no clue. But I still tried. I just failed. My only comfort is that everything happens for a reason. Maybe some good will come out of this somewhere down the road. But until then, and for the rest of my life, I will live with the guilt.
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