Miss Outer Galaxy

Back in ancient days, when there used to be a Miss Universe Pageant, the contest was only limited to our immediate galaxy.  After that, the pageant was expanded to include every galaxy.  This year, 3246, it was held here on Planet Earth.  We invited our neighbors over to our house to watch it on our new feelavision set, where one can actually go inside and mingle with the people on the screen after paying a small fee.  If the audience couldn’t understand something in the dialogue, he could go inside and ask the actor what he said.  
After the women showed off their figures, evening gowns, talents, and all the rest, the M.C. announced the winner. “Miss Hodnhfuvn from Planet Ungadooboo!”  After that, all the interviewers crowded around with a million questions to ask her.
“You are a woman, aren’t you?”  “Au-rk-doisb,” she replied.  “With that weird thing attached to your butt, it was hard to tell.  By the way, what is that thing?” “Axb-djvfgj-cjbvb-dkj,” she replied.  “One couldn’t tell if it were one of your tentacles or something else.  Tell me, did your eyes bulge out when you were announced the winner, or are they normally like that?   Does that funny looking goop hanging down from your chin a part of your anatomy or some decoration of some sort?  “Pcj-dnmvus-cmbviof,” she said.  “Can I touch it?” he said.  “nbooey!” said she.  “That must mean no.  I bet you can’t walk as fast as we can, seeing that you have eight legs.  I heard that you are seven hundred and sixteen years old. The cut off age for the contestants is seven hundred and fifteen.  Even at that age, you are the most beautiful woman in all the galaxies.  At least I think you are. What they call beauty is different than what we call it here at home.”
So there she stood, with a smile from ear to ear.  But maybe it wasn’t a smile.  Maybe it wasn’t her mouth.  Maybe those weren’t ears, either.  Maybe they were ears going out to her mouth or whatever.  Maybe she doesn’t even eat or hear. Maybe she hears out of her butt and poops out of her ears.  Well, whatever she does, she must do it her way.  That’s probably the right way.
It was a wonderful party afterwards.  We paid our fee and went inside the feelavision.  According to customs, refreshments from the Planet Ungadooboo were served to all the guests.   I think they were something to eat. They didn’t have any taste, but were soft enough to chew.  Maybe they didn’t eat on that planet. Maybe we shouldn’t have eaten those weird looking things.  Maybe something strange was going to start growing out of our mouths.
Well, at least we had a great time, anyway.  Next year, maybe some woman from Planet Earth will be crowned.  Then we will know all about her anatomy, so we can judge her for ourselves.  Maybe that thing was actually beautiful.  She must have been, because she won.