Give Me More Light Give me more light I’m getting desperate here, you kn… show me what you’ve got is Ann Landers still around?

Coffee Table Books A coffee table book’s not there to… it’s there to stupefy your curious… who read the titles surreptitiousl… to sneer in secret at your shallow…

Vocations Envy those conjoined to function: ballerinas shopping in fifth posit… humming coroners ladling brains silent Harpo honking his horn

Sports News from Mudville (Thanks to “Casey at the Bat”) The outlook’s great for all you fo… Linebacker Doakes was just picked… Then football’s finest running bac…

The Pathetic Fallacy Mitigated (An exercise in near-rhyme) To liken buying blue-chip stocks To squirrels hoarding nuts is bosh… As wrong as claiming dogs can blus…

My myths have talking ducks and dogs mice making Roman arches in the baseboa… burglars

Guidebook for Immigrants Part I. Making Your Vocabulary… “On sale!” “Reduced!” and “Absolu… Are usually milder forms of larcen… “Adult” means “dirty films” and g…

The Pathetic Fallacy Revisited I’ve seen near shore a sycophantic… A cautious waiter at an osprey’s f… I’ve seen his cohorts find the bea… Their interest in the dumpsters mu…

One morning Leda, sitting on the… Saw Zeus appear transmogrified to… She heard too late the honks and w… And so with godly force he conquer… (Some skeptics say she could have…

The Lawyer to Mrs. Brown: “Did you have intimate relation wi… Mrs. Brown‘s reply: “Oh, yes, I must admit it’s true; He helped me frost my hair one tim…

Don’t shock me with your atheistic… God gave us all a book that proves… And serves us as a guide for all w… excepting parts that don’t make se… God serves us like a good psycholo…

An Abomination* Ice-gleamed streets, sky an ebony… and a girl accordions her tiny car into the back of mine. She, carmine-streamed, head throug…

,The Honky-Poet Blues (With apologies to Bessie Smith) I’m sittin’ at my keyboard almos’… I say, I’m sittin’ at my keyboard… The wife want rent money,

The Rest Home Bus Arrives at th… I love these ladies. No, I’m not a new kind of pervert… I love them because they persevere… because they have guts.

Hilarious Slants on Being Told You Have Prostate Cancer Can you empathize with Wile E. C… at that moment when he freezes in the air,