The man in the ER, sutured and bandaged, told the nurse there wasn’t anyone she could call to give him a lift home.

Every day the same play. The moment I rise, the first act begins, the same plot

Adolph’s been here since the Fort… So have Benito and Tojo. As soon as they arrived we gave each of them a huge furnace. They shovel coal all day and all n…

I used to be flexible about meetings at work. Change the hour of a meeting, no problem for me.

The last visitor before I sleep is always the old priest puffing up the stairs to my door, a wine cask under each arm, a loaf of pumpernickel in his teet…

The average man looks at himself in the mirror 23 times a day, the average woman 16 times a British survey reports. Men look to “admire” themselves,

He’s supposed to be a feral cat and I’d never tell him otherwise but when my wife goes shopping he waits hours for her patiently on his haunches

He slaughters his hamburger steak with a fork and a butter knife, massacres ringlets of onions again and again thumps catsup all over

It’s Monday not Sunday and the frail lady in black is the only person in the pews. She walked in with

The hands on the atomic clock upstairs finally stopped spinning. As you know, my dear, the hands have been spinning for two weeks. This morning the clock stopped

Smitty isn’t Schulte. He doesn’t drive a Cadillac and doesn’t hit his wife often any more. Schulte, on the other hand,

If I hadn’t died, I’d still be bouncing along in that Greyhound bus through the mountains swigging a Coke.

They’ve been here for years two blue jays who live in our yard year round. In winter they’re silent at the feeder but screeching

When you were a boy in 1948 living on a block of bungalows in Chicago right after WWII you had a red wagon you pulled behind your mother

He wants to be fair to both sides because there’s an election coming soon so he tells his side every day