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Stupid Boy
Stupid Boy
I wish you could have seen
How much you were loved
Maybe if you had known...
Things could have been different
Regrets simmer on the surface
My rabid thoughts lashing out
Flooding my heart with doubt
Unease seeping
Through the cracks
As I let my guard down
And all these feelings
Come rushing back
Shame, regret and anger
Ambushing me all at once
As my numbness dissolves
Leaving me bare and exposed
I should have made it clear
So you had not doubts
Maybe if you had understood...
Things could have been different
I imagine you sitting here now
Your big long arms
Wrapping me in one of your famous hugs
The pain inside my chest
Cripples me today
As my thoughts refuse
Move away from you
I should have made sure
You had seen
How much you mean
But I was blind
To the pain
Hiding behind your smile
And I took you for granted
Assuming that you knew
What was unsaid
I watched those
Flock around you
Looking for a warmth
Only you could give
Their love and admiration
Glimmering in their eyes
And I thought you saw it too
All the people who loved you
All the ways you mattered
I never thought...
My heart bleeds
Regrets accompanying me
While I revisit
These insidious thoughts
Haunting me
Wishing I’d be granted
A reprieve from this pain
Lodged within my heart
Since the day you died
Leaving me
Clutching to your memories
Needing to remember
Needing to be close
As I study crumpled pictures
Letting the past fill the holes
So that I can gain control
On these rapid doubts
Filling me with shame
Lacing me with pain
And an all consuming emptiness
As I’m greeted by your absence
At every turn I take
Regret clouding my eyes
As I think of him
That Stupid Boy
