Three Moms, Two Dads
Angsty, angry, hoodlum kids.
A life of privilege feels like shit.
We took ourselves for granted,
We took our lives for granted,
We thought we’d live forever.
Where are they now?
In prison or worse.
Yeah they’re dead, or worse.
I’m mourning a loss of folks from my dreams.
Man, they weren’t even alive.
They weren’t ever here.
But they feel so much more real
Than what I’m supposed to be happy with.
Than who I’m supposed to love.
Because I was told to.
It’s a rule you’re just supposed to follow.
How can you feel so damn alone
In a room full of people who know your name?
A name isn’t shit.
I’ve had a few, you know?
Disconnected from your body,
Disconnected from the world.
Can living feel like dying?
Anyway, I heard a song the other day
That made me think about being a kid.
Not just think about it, but relive it.
My dumb ass has it on repeat.
It’s like an escape from this hellhole
To a bubble of sad pathetic naiveté
Where you’re young, and you haven’t the Slightest fucking clue
About what’s going on, but you think you do.
So I can see my nine year old self
Standing next to her grave.
There’s white flowers everywhere,
Like that’s supposed to mean something.
I’m in a suit.
Like that’s supposed to mean something.
She can’t see this thing, right? She’s gone.
I’m just trying to be alone,
But she’s my mom, so I’m expected
To be a part of this family
And accept their meaningless offerings
Of condolence for this person I barely knew
Who left me alone with abusive parents.
No one ever told me what death was,
I had to learn about it. Right now.
Right at that moment.
I’m just trying to get a moment to myself
And these people won’t leave me the fuck alone,
And I’m more upset about that
Than the fact that she’s gone.
I mean shit, I knew I had another mom out there.
And there’s another one waiting at home to beat the crap out of me, right?
They’re interchangeable, and they all let you down.
But still,
I hear this voice in my developing head
Asking angry, pointless, stupid questions.
Why do people even have to die?
Because they’re fucking weak. That’s why.
And then the song ends,
Because it’s super short,
And I come to myself to find that I’m
Older and broken, sitting in my car alone.
And I realize that even though I barely knew her,
Maybe
Her death might have fucked me up
More than I thought it did.
