Are You Happy?
Clap your hands. Or not.
I’m so happy with my life!
I’m so proud of where I’m going!
I’m on my way to find my place
And to know all the things worth knowing.
But there must be something wrong,
Oh my yes, something is amiss
When I take a look at my life
And a discord poisons bliss.
I have a two bedroom apartment,
A lovely wife with eyes so bright,
A beautiful young daughter,
My small abilities to write,
I have laughter, I have song,
I can analyze and feel,
I have so many things in life
That this almost seems unreal.
So many reasons to be grateful,
It’s quite enough to unnerve.
But I can’t help thinking that all these things
Are things I don’t deserve.
Then I start to think of people who
Have nothing in their lives.
No food or clothes or shelter,
No loving family, no wives,
Nothing to live or die for,
No, nor meaningful respite.
It affects good and bad between them
And abandons wrong and right.
Then I feel a bit less happy,
And I feel a bit more sad.
Then I feel a bit more empty.
Then I ask: hey, am I bad?
Am I wrong for having these things?
Then I start to question why
I have them in the first place,
And the reason makes me cry.
For I haven’t any idea
How I came along this far,
How I achieved any success,
Or why things are the way they are.
Then the memories start to haunt me
And my mind starts delving deep
Disturbing ghosts that linger near me
And the secrets that I keep.
Then I begin to compare myself:
My fruitful life to theirs,
And I find that though my needs are met,
I’ve many woes and cares.
My hair grows ever whiter,
My back grows ever bent,
My mind recalls the time that I
Have squandered; wasted; spent,
And I start to wander hallways
That I made myself forget,
Every choice I’ve made resurfaced,
Every sin, woe and regret.
Suddenly I’m a child again,
Hiding softly in my room,
Reading magic books and stories;
An escape from certain doom.
Then I am ten years old again,
A letter in my hand,
It’s recipient unphased
As I beg her to understand.
Next I’m fifteen, fit and mad
At all authority and life,
Huffing paint and fighting strangers,
Wearing scars, bragging at strife.
Now let’s jump forward a decade
And you’ll see my graying hair,
Though my heart is much less broken
And my soul is much less bare.
I see the world in rosy hues,
I’m going to make a change!
Then indifference begins to grow,
And friends become estranged.
Suddenly I am a farther,
Oh what joyous day is this!
Oh what little feet for tickling,
And what little hands to kiss!
But nothing lasts forever:
She was taken in the end.
My family forsook me.
I was abandoned by my friends.
I drank myself asleep each night
Until she came along,
And patched the holes, mended the tears,
And changed my woes to song.
Which brings me back full circle,
And the question still remains:
Why am I so unhappy?
Why do I still feel this pain?
Why do my fears cut my dreams short,
Why do terrors surround me
In a world that’s mostly sheltered
Since my beautiful wife found me?
I hope my daughter never sees
What has happened to me,
Or comes to know the secret
Of how her life came to be.
For now I’ll go on living,
What other choice have I?
It’s only selfishness that brings the dreams
That show me how I die.
