The Red Dress
Losing my Love to Ana
We used to look good together
And feel good
Sometimes I think you were just a dream
The greatest dream I ever had
Those balmy afternoons spent by the window at our table, my legs swinging as I couldn’t reach the ground - you never let me reach the ground
Sunshine streaming through the dusty glass warming our skin.
I was always cold.
We’d hold hands, make plans. So right, so natural... are we real?
I can be your China Doll again
If you let me
The Fish, The Grand, The Cottonwood, Hotel California. Do these places exist or are they just more crazy things I made up in my head?
I hold the dolphin in my hands, smooth wooden key ring with our picture attached
Scratched into my heart, forever more, the memory of you removing it-the day you walked away
I swear my heart still bleeds inside thinking of that day-if I’d have known that that would be the last time I would kiss those lips I would have held on
Found a way to keep you, keep you holding me
Bubble baths, wine and grapes
I remember when they took our picture-you asked for two key rings
I was so happy, you looked so proud
Driving, driving, so many hours. One hand on the wheel the other my ankle, stroking, caressing from skin through
to bone.
I’d smile from the inside out
I felt like one of the lucky ones.
Times were hard
We’d check in, check out, in, out-felt like every day we’d be packing up and moving on
I didn’t care, I thought life was sweet
Syrupy, sugary
You smelt of toffee, coffee, caramel and mint
Afterwards, you always held me in your arms, I was safe, content, I felt beautiful
We were one.
Tell me, is life beautiful now?
You couldn’t wait, had to move on, you asked me to hold on-to reach for your hand-promising to pull me from my dark into your light
Though perhaps, you were truly the darkness you were so afraid of, so eager to escape from.
You stroked my hair and kissed my back
Entangled as we slept
Whispered in my ear-sweet things, funny things, unrepeatable desires...
Afterwards, again in your arms, still locked together, still as one, I was content, glowing
You said that I felt small.
Mind, body and soul-we were Soulmates, you said, to be married, you said, handmade rings of rose gold-mine with emeralds to match my eyes.
I love you, I said.
We were in awe-of each other and how quickly things had progressed-from one Serendipitous meeting to living together and planning our future
in 100 days
We’d joke, laugh, love, so tough yet tender, rough yet romantic
Instinctively you knew what to do, you could make me glow
Nobody else before or after has had your touch
I refuse to tell, they should know, they should be like you-but nobody compares
I had your soul and you had mine
This is how we knew each other’s minds
They were the greatest days I ever had,
and then when things turned bad, you sent me away, but you made me watch you leave me first, crying cos I knew I couldn’t come back
I left you the red dress
You would call, tell me how you missed holding me, wrapping your arms around my
tiny cold body.
You’d say how glad you were I left the dress, you’d look at it as you lay in bed-it would help you sleep at night-happy memories, happy, happy memories
You said you had to leave, nowhere to go but
you’re back with her now aren’t you?
She’s cooked your dinner, cleaned, polished, ironed your shirts.
But
has she run you a bubble bath?
Is she excited to see you?
Wearing what you asked her to?
Will you be proud to take her out?
You said I’d got too thin.
You asked me to seek you out, let you know when I was well. Said you will leave her and come back to me when I fit in the red dress again.
Darling, you promised you would hold me tight yet dropped me from the greatest height
When I was at my weakest.
You let go and watched me crumble at your feet
Do you deserve me back when, in your eyes, I am at my best? Back again in the red dress?
Oh but I shall call upon you
Because I am weak
You took your heart back and hung on to mine, ripping my soul at the same time
You cast your spell
Until I am, in your eyes, fit, better, well
I shall remain a used and screwed up memory-as is the red dress
Existing, not living
I’ll be waiting for you tonight, all you need to do is close those perfect eyes and once again I’ll be there by your side
Wearing the red dress
I’ll take your arm, you’ll kiss my lips and we’ll be together again
Just for tonight
And when we wake?
You’ll remember me at my best
And I’ll wish I was dead
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