Stabat Mater Dolorósa
*never good enough.*
*you’ll never be good enough*
*pretty enough*
*fun enough*
*always too much.*
have you ever watched paint dry?
taken your fingers over the rough textures
rolling the paint in your fingernails?
have you ever watched drops of sweat
slowly mix with tears
as the crescendo hits highest
and everyone at the gym watches you stop and cry?
you will feel every heartbeat
every emotion
over things that don’t deserve it.
for what are words like mine or yours
but the sharpest knife you own?
*you’re not as pretty as her*
*you’re so nice*
you’re so easygoing
you’re so personable
you’re so much
too much
it’s wrong to eat
it’s wrong to not
it’s ugly to care what they think—
*she’s pretty good looking*
i’ll never be
*but you’re so easygoing*
*you work so hard*
have you ever dug out the soil underneath your feet?
felt every grain of soil touch your toes
and dig into your fingernails?
have you ever cried all the way home?
strangers wondering if you’re fine
fingernails digging into your palms
because of words said and unsaid?
it’s stuck like the mud in my nails
like the paint in the grooves of my fingers
i can’t get it out
*all His bitter anguish bearing,*
*now at length the sword has passed.*
it’s mentally ill to care what they think—
*but you’re strong*
*i wish i could be like you*
wearing too much is ugly
wearing too little is asking for it
have you ever sat in a room,
staring at the ceiling
when the world seems beneath you?
feeling rested and blessed?
have you ever sat and written in a journal to bide your pain?
your notebook grating with every angry word
but this feeling is not cathartic
it feels like a gulp stuck in my throat
*Can the human heart refrain*
*from partaking in her pain?*
the song replays
the steps get quicker
cheeks get deep red
tears are streaming
and no matter how hard i’ll try–
*not cool enough*
*the way you cut people out is mean*
*why are you getting mad?*
have you ever felt love?
love so caring for a person
that every touch of their fingers intertwined
you become anew?
have you ever said you’re fine?
watching others around you
you’re smiling
tears your heart keeps for a night like this
you become anew.
*Is there one who would not weep,*
*whelmed in miseries so deep?*
who cares what they think
i’m working so hard—
*oh you’re gonna go like that?*
*you’re really not okay*
have you ever given up?
when you feel like one day, for just
one hour
you could let yourself go?
have you ever been out of control?
heating up food
the only comfort you’ve ever known
thinking just for one meal
you could let yourself go?
*Wounded with His every wound,*
*steep my soul till it hath swooned,*
who cares what they texted you—
*but*—but the whole world stopped.
spun your heart.
you watch the girl in the building knitting a moss stitch
as you take an unusually long path home
you wonder every person
every interaction
weaving in the chain space of your life
*pierce me through,
in my heart each wound renew*
where did it all unravel?
have you watched another in love?
have you watched another not with you?
you have no life experiences left to compare
how you’re feeling
dirty, unknown, cold, wet, beyond
you sleep in your bed
for another day you must cross over.
when you were younger you dreamed of your
princess, daughter, sister, lover, friend, friend
friend, friend. friends?
*how are you so strong?*
*you’re fighting something deeper*
*but you’re so nice*
*you’re expecting too much from me*
*you’re too giving to others around you*
as the song replays
*Stabat mater dolorósa.*
you miss the warmer days
when it wasn’t so complicated
and guilty
to feel
happy.
