Untitled
I don’t remember when it started
I don’t remember why.
Screaming threats, words like fire,
Slamming door.
I should feel something
I should feel something.
Sprawled on the carpet beside my bed,
Silence except for the ferocious pounding of my heart,
The only thing distinguishing me from a corpse.
I pressed my head against the floor
Wishing I could sink.
Fall through the layers of the ocean
Melt like rain water seeping into the earth,
Like the silky wax of a candle engulfed in a glorious flame.
He glinted softly in the lamp light
He was smooth but hard and cold.
He could scratch away the numbness without leaving a mark.
He was perfect.
He danced across my pale skin.
It stung.
And at once I knew that this was my body.
My skin.
The only thing that truly belonged to me.
I was 14.
But it wasn’t enough for me
It all faded too quickly
I needed something more permanent,
But he was all I had.
I was alone
A shadow cast away from the sun
And only he could bring me light,
Even if it would quickly burn out.
Perhaps I needed a stronger flame.
So I let him come closer,
Sink deeper
Fire gleaming more wildly in the dead blackness of his pupils,
As red as the fresh blood dribbling onto the carpet.
And I didn’t care about the pain
I didn’t care about the scars,
Because they reminded me that I was alive.
I realized that I couldn’t stop.
He was like a drug.
He made me feel strong and powerful.
I knew it was wrong.
I knew it was killing me.
But I didn’t care,
Because for the first time in my life
I was in control.
But it came at a price.
I was guzzling from a fountain of youth that was suffused with poison,
dancing mindlessly on a surface riddled with hot coals.
So,
it couldn’t last.
Sometimes, in the right lighting, I can see a faded white line.
His legacy.
I graze it with my index finger,
Now just a strange ghostly haze.
A constant reminder of all that I have overcome,
But also,
Of all that I am capable.
Of how quickly I was able to sink
Like a rock thrust into the ocean.
Could I once again fall willingly to these depths,
Not even attempting to stay afloat?
Will he forever be my burden, my ship’s anchor,
dragging me into his darkness?
Destroying me as quickly as he appears,
Like a wildfire blazing through the country side.
