My grandma always used to tell me that I’d be a good writer. I didn’t believe her because she used to say these types of things every other week. Trying to push me into some type of career path to do something with my life someday. Because she never really imagined that I’d love to do big things in my life other than being admired for my beauty. When you grow up with only cousins and a brother who are focused on academical success while all you care about is your thoughts on love, emotions and beauty you’ll always feel like people are trying to sabotage you. Ever since ever the only thing you know for certain is that you’re not good enough. Your grades are not good enough, your opinions on politics, feminism and religion are crazy and basically all you’re good enough for are boys. Because you’re beautiful. Blessed with blue eyes, full lips and blond hair. And when you’re out of elementary school and suddenly everyone around you wants to be grown up, boys want to be with you for your beauty and girls want to be friends with you because the boys like you, you start to believe your beauty is all you’re worth. Most of the time I knew I was more than beauty. No one else did tho. There was most certainly a time in my life where all I cared about were boys and my looks. I don’t want to blame anyone but me– although I think a thought or two about the origin of this problematic period wouldn’t do damage. Its hard to reflect truthfully about times that you feel almost too embarrassed about to even admit that this person was you. I don’t want to feel that way. But I am– I am embarrassed about the guys I liked, whom I tried to manipulate into loving me. I am embarrassed about these years because it was all I cared about and sometimes I start to feel deep hatred for myself because I catch myself thinking similar thoughts and acting in a similar matter. I’m scared to fall in love whilst I so deeply crave being fallen for. After breaking up with someone who truly loved me for my opinions and thoughts, I felt almost empowered for choosing myself over the love I’ve always had craved to receive.