Due for a Chat
Landlord, said I, there are bats in your stairwells at night.
Landlord, said I, I confess that they give me a fright.
You’re a good caretaker, neither seen nor heard, but I say
I’d be much obliged for a fence to keep werewolves at bay.
An electrified fence would be nice, with a nice padlocked gate.
And some lights outside for I find i am often out late.
There’s a corpse in the hall, Landlord, and it’s starting to stink.
Both tenants downstairs are undead and what’s more, they drink.
Those big rats in the basement, I’m sorry but I must complain.
If they are to be fattened you must begin giving them grain.
I shan’t buy my ratroasts from you if they’re stringy or foul.
And the offal you feed them puts up an ear splitting howl. . .
Stop rattling those chains, Landlord, I have brought every cent.
I’m in love with this house, and I’ll pay the damned increase in rent!
First published as All Right Mr. Weems
