Distance
30 miles and another 6 months of distance.
constantly worrying that you will grow more distant.
while i sit– and lose, the very best friendship that i’ve ever had.
how can i fix this?
it’s scary that:
............
you have this hold, strongest i’ve ever known.
magnetic force that has grown to build my foundation of house and home.
now you’re all alone...
and when babygirl starts asking us questions,
how can we explain, why her daddy is gone?
but everyday was on the phone.
confessing my love.
saying how our time will come.
how i’m missing your touch.
but dismissing the memories, proceed to drug, then get drug by little white pills and frosty mugs.
i called that love.
but the truth is i’m very scared.
you say i never cared.
damn that isn’t fair, but the problem lies right there.
cause all my lies they have me snared and i feel fear.
retreat to my mental layer, look blankly and stare.
and although lately it seems, we’re both less hateful and mean.
wonder if it’s due to all this distance between.
or maybe we finally say things that are exactly what they mean.
let it all come out in the wash.
but are the clothes really clean?
because that secret, them secrets.
i could no longer keep it.
i told the truth, collapsed your roof, then found you at your weakest.
i found my weakness, my knees weakened.
successfully fucked everything up everything over one weekend of drunken sneaking,
it’s got me thinking.
or so i thought.
that i was better than that, that i’d given all that i got.
but the results came back and i was only rewarded with a shoulder smeared of your tears, insecurities, fears, and thoughts.
i’m still thankful, even though it’s still painful.
that i can be there, that you let me, after i left your heart mangled.
ripped apart.
like a ball of yarn, played with by a baby bengal.
stomach tangle, feel shameful, but what’s my angle?
cause i always have an ultimatum, or so i hear.
from all the people who feel i played them.
don’t get too near.
but the fog is lifting, i feel uplifted, finally seeing clear.
my heart you lifted.
stuck in your pocket.
just keep it there.
see forever,
wanted to soak up your atmosphere, breath the same air, tell you i love, you’re beautiful, and that i really care.
honestly the thought haunted me, never wanted it to be over.
especially after all we went through.
but
i was rarely sober, or present, unable to get my daughter birthday presents.
“just be stable dont forget it. the only thing she wanted was your presence.”
lowly, like a peasant, get depressive.
god bless it.
i finally learned my lesson.
just how quickly we forget, just how bad things can get.
only remember cheap thrills.
little pills, and smoking spliffs.
i blocked out, getting blacked out and crashing in that ditch.
stressed out in g-block about it, and other incidents.
but at this current junction. the concurrent heart puncture that hinders my function.
thoughts leave bones crunching from hard walls ive been punching.
aint it something.
the pains i just can’t stow away.
and when i express them, you say i’m insane.
but it seems plain as day, that there’s a lover you stowaway.
only seems logical to hear the cause of your pain.
and in this case.
all clues lead to my face,
my paranoia you hate but i can’t displace thoughts of another taking my place.
and if i can’t change and end up going insane due to images of me out of your picture frame..................
339 miles and 2 years of distance.
constantly worrying that you will grow more distant.
while i sit– and lose, the very best friendship that i’ve ever had.
how can i fix this?
it’s scary that:
© S.C. Steele– 2015
