Fear in losing
I can’t sleep.
I feel heavy.
Like I am trapped,
moving slow.
Like I am in Jello.
Everything feels stuck,
foggy and unclear.
I sip my warm tea,
and I feel a wave
of comfort flush over me.
I breath in deeply.
This isn’t good it seems.
Then a thought– comforts me.
This might be bad,
but sometimes
when we cannot decide
what is good or bad for us..
Fate takes the lead.
It’s a troubling thought -
that things must go down this way.
And from a series of unfortunate events.
You pull away from me.
Not personal, but
due purely to circumstance.
It leaves me wondering.
Was this divinely guided?
But how can I profit off pain?
That can’t be– that burdens me.
That hurts to think,
that might be the case.
I remember every loss in my life -
maybe not all losses but
the moment everything changed for me.
My old job, relationship,
friendship dynamics.
With one giant swoop -
it was all gone.
So this feeling,
so familiar,
Loss.
It triggers me,
makes me feel trapped
unsettled.
Yet -
most of what I lost
wasn’t making me happy.
Causing me discomfort and stress.
But, I would never leave.
Too easy to stay.
So like some divinely guided force -
whatever that may be.
Took it all away from me.
Not that all loss is deserving,
not that all loss has a silver lining.
Sometimes loss is just loss.
But when it comes to a decision -
if something is good for you or not?
And you decide not to decide.
I promise
every time,
every single time.
Fate will make that decision for you.
And as daunting and
painful that may be.
Maybe just maybe.
You are being protected from -
something far worse.
Maybe just maybe,
we breath in.
And exhale any expectations.
Maybe that’s when we
are truly free.
