bizzare
life is just peculiar. hanging by a thread, never knowing when the glass will crack, when the storm will begin, when happiness will be snatched away, when grief will rule your day. other days are just as odd, the day starts off rough and you never know how much you can take, till God thinks you've had enough.
as strange as it is
a part of me never wants to forget
i never want to forget how the blade feels
how the white appears and then flows the ink
i never want to forget the relief that comes with
odd the one moment i feel alive is when i long to feel numb
amidst the moments of happiness and excitement
these strange moments are the ones my heart long to be trapped in
i possibly do belong in the nuthouse
maybe i’ll get lucky and find a spouse
one preferably who’s as fucked up as it gets
but there’s nothing really wrong with me
i just have a damaged soul and crappy self-esteem
i am loved
i am cared for
taken care of
given a fresh start each day
i stare at the trees as they sway
indulge in my coffee at the cafe
think about the huge rollercoaster i sat on last May
join people as we sing happy birthday
sit at the passenger seat as we drive on the freeway
study whilst i enjoy listening to reggae
soak in the sun’s rays on a random thursday
staring at the night sky hoping to catch a glimpse of the milky way
kick the leaves scattered about on the walkway
reminisce the innocent laughs we had yesterday
despite this,
i find myself thinking
about ways to destroy
these simple moments of joy
some days,
the sun’s rays
feel like a stranger’s touch
the sound of traffic
the conversations around me
just feels too much
getting out of bed seems like a stretch
a minor inconvenience may just
push me off the edge
some days,
i need a crutch
a little nudge
i am still learning to find the
balance
the inbetween
to move out of the disequilibrium
to find a sense of imperium
to feel something other than delirium
i am healing and hurting all at the same time
trying to unlearn, and rebuild my paradigm
crawling though space and time
i feel like a mime
everything is black and white
tricking time with a silent rhyme
all in the movements ever so sublime
you never know their next move
here,
it feels safe in the gloom
where despair feels like
a sanctuary
though one needs to be weary
the days get blurry
and before you know it
it’s January
and another year has just passed you by.
despite the insistent urgency
the absolute obstinacy
and stubborn inflexibility
as your heart stretches and aches
getting better takes time
i’ll celebrate each time my heart aches
each time a tear breaks
when life feels like
an endless earthquake
if i’m going to die anyway,
i guess i might as well
be glad i can choose to stay
live another day
dance and play
for when i finally lay down to rest
i’ll be proud of the life i’ve lead
cause even in pain there’s joy.
