James Laughlin

Funerals

in our village are short and to the point.  
While the mourners are finding their seats  
Etta Andrews plays “Now the Day Is Over.”
No one is ashamed to wipe his or her eyes.  
Then the Reverend stands up and reads  
the Lord’s Prayer with the mourners  
speaking it with him. Then there is a hymn,  
usually “Rock of Ages” or one chosen by  
the wife of the deceased. The deceased,  
I might say, is never present, except for  
an urn prepared by Mr. Torrant, who is  
always squinting. Next there are remarks  
by the Reverend. He is a kind man and  
can be relied upon to say something nice  
about the life of the departed, no matter
how much he may have been scorned or even  
disliked.
 
The Reverend’s eulogies are so much the  
same, with appropriate readings from scripture,  
that I gave up listening to them years ago.  
Instead, unheard, I eulogize myself,  
the real picture of how I’ve been in  
the village. I admit that I was self-satisfied  
and arrogant. I didn’t go to much pains  
to provide diversions for my wife. When  
the children and grandchildren came for visits  
I lectured them and pointed out their faults.  
I made appropriate contributions to the  
local charities but without much enthusiasm.  
I snubbed people who bored me and avoided  
parties. I was considerate to the people  
who worked in the post office. I complained
a great deal about my ailments. When I’m  
asked how I’m doing, I reply that I’m  
not getting any younger. This inveterate  
response has become a bore in the village.
 
After the Reverend’s eulogy is over
there is another hymn, and the benediction.  
As they leave everyone, except me, presses  
the flesh of the bereaved with appropriate  
utterances. But I get away as quickly as  
I can. If they don’t bore me I like  
almost all the people in the village.  
But as they go, I tick them off. I’ve  
been to at least fifty funerals. When  
will mine be?
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