When I picked candy apples as my… (think spirit animals for foodies) I honestly had no idea I was naturally sweet but laid it on way too thick

Every night when Smokey Bear would tuck me in… the last thing he always said was Only you can prevent forest fires

She was so cool that even her periods were fashionably late

They used to give me Birthday presents Now they give me A wide berth

This isn’t the best of all possible worlds but God does His best with what we give Him to work with

To those who say they’ll keep working until they die I say don’t die–

What is wrong with the world today?: Dear Sir or Madam, You are.

It’s all over but for the shouting and this is the shouting

Life’s unhappiest surprises always come from those you’ve known forever without ever knowing the score but now you will

Once again, we find ourselves unable to avoid asking– Why do so many people hate Jews to the point of wanting to see the… But let’s refine the question,

I was afraid of death which is to say afraid to live until I chose my hill to die on For in deciding where

There aren’t any lines That you can’t cross– This is called free will But there are lines That you can’t uncross–

I try to imagine what it was like for my wife when two lines meant positive and the closest I get is when

Instead of the invisible hand bending self-interest towards the collective good we got the risible glad-hand laughing our selfishness off

Each of us gets to ask God one question and this question is your life