You can’t watch sports these days… Father Time is undefeated Which is when I always quote Saul… “Vait a minute. Vat about Rocky…

History’s first lesson– the ABCs– is that, unless coerced not to people kill the ones they hate History’s second lesson–

I believe in a future in which man perfects the art of expressing his discontent in bushes that look like clouds

I’m the kind of guy Who doesn’t ride a motorcycle But always wears a leather helmet

God doesn’t make mistakes But He lets us make mistakes Which, unless I’m mistaken Means there’s no mistaking us for… But being mistake prone

Whistler’s mother had just spent a long day with Whis– tler’s mother-in-law

As bumbling first mate to his capt… Gilligan wasn’t in charge But he was the star of the show Which is how the male ego understa…

If you pull my heartstring I’ll say one of eleven pre-recorded phrases but you can only hear the ones in the first four dimensions

In His infinite wisdom God made the pen mightier than the… Which is why the internet’s first… Is the First Amendment It’s only once free speech and fre…

The lie you chose to believe Always contains the truth That has chosen you The lie is comforting Because the truth is disturbing

The American far left lacks a unifying Great Leader because as a cult of narcissists each disparate member belongs to their own

None of us can see further than our own noses but Pinocchio can see further than the rest of us

When I die I’m go– ing to donate my body to pseudoscience

The trick is to craft a conformism so elaborate that you convince yourself it’s bespoke

God is equal parts Ardor and candor But we can’t get a handle on True love