When I got to the front of the self-checkout line I assumed there’d be a mirror but to my surprise and delight it was even better than I’d hoped

If I said– The worst thing you can say about… is that he always plays it safe– then he sounds like a perfectly ni… But when I say–

And so I wake in the morning and I stay inside and I take a deep breath and I let out a sigh and I stream from the top of my ru…

I’m not aware of the lies I tell myself Who is?!? But the white lies

Do I still get credit For ignoring the critics If they are just the voices in my…

You can’t take it with you tells us how to live well But we think it means living forev… and so, we’ve invested in Shell In the hopes that our savings will…

If you pull my heartstring I’ll say one of eleven pre-recorded phrases but you can only hear the ones in the first four dimensions

In counting on finding our own gra… We counted our chickens before the… And now our chickens have come hom… In the form of the internet’s cons… And there’s just one chicken–

I died with a smile on my face Because I finally got the joke And it wasn’t me

If you don’t believe I’m the Led Zeppelin of poetry just wait ‘til you see my poems go over like a lead balloon

I used to pretend that Kafka’s The Trial was my favorite book but these days I bring a courtroom stenographer with me

I was the first ever lobster discovered in the wild with a rubber band around my claw clamping it shut

Scientists insist that 95% of the… consists of undetectable, unknowab… because this belief makes their ca… Like you and me the little that they do know

Updating Yeats’s “The best lack all conviction While the worst are full of passio… I’d say The best lack all conviction

Losing what you never had is only possible when you look for it exactly where it never was