Coffee is for the middle-aged; we need both to shit and get shit done

One would think the earth is flat “Unless” as the Coen brothers put it “round is funny”

People understand that their socia… depends on their phone but they wrongly believe that the existential question at h… is the familiar

To be the bigger person you need to realize that egos are like animals: the smaller their proportions the greater their proportional str…

People who enter a plea of I’m sorry if you were offended are bargaining for a sentence of time served reckoning they’ll have got off sco…

Having priced myself Out of the market I’ve rebranded as generic

A funny thing happened when I told them that you can either laugh or you can cr… No one laughed but for a second

Everyone has a gift in life and mine is knowing exactly how much I can bid in a silent auction without winning

The lower classes are those people who are not allowed to compete To feel good about perpetuating th…

When your mind is transparent Your body becomes invisible Because once they’ve made certain You’re thinking all the right thou… They’ll never give you another tho…

Mistakes are inev– itable; owning them is inestimable

If husbands were like pro basketball players I’d be an all star but one with an exceptionally low trade value

For about one hundred years it was no longer a secret that the easiest way to be a rational a… in an irrational world is to rationalize all

Nietzsche imagined eternal recurre… as the ultimate Yes to life! whereas Jews understand that life is a lot of love and work

I always thought saying slide trombone was like saying pizza pie until I heard about the valve trombone